by Celeste Louw
We talk about standing our ground, stand up, stand fast, speak up, have each other's backs...
I grew up with "Don't count the cost." Of course, it was sometimes hard to reconcile that with "Don't tell anyone." That's a story for another time, but what matters is that since I found my voice it has become harder not to use it.
Added to that I truly believe that connection is key to healing. Connection, safe space and straight talk around the issues - not the person. Accountability not judgement.
The ability to give unconditional love, be safe in non-judgement and support for choices and decisions, is one of the greatest gifts we can give other survivors.
Yes, it makes a difference to live a life of service. Yes, it changes lives, heals, encourages and empowers. And yes, it comes with a price. As all things do.
It comes with the sacrifice of time, and energy but sometimes it comes with more than that, because we can lose our identity while we serve others, we can forget who we are. It comes with empathetic pain, frustration, horror, and all the emotions that come with facing the depravity that human beings can rain down on each other.
It comes with learning to be patient, learning that there is a time and place for grieving, for justice but, above all, for healing.
Like all things in life, we need balance. We need to find that sweet spot where everything runs smoothly and try to stay in that zone.
If living in harmony and connection was easy, we wouldn't be fighting wars - that often have nothing to do with our daily lives - or struggling to get people to see the value of living in connected humanity.
Honestly, I get tired of seeing people sugarcoat the issues, or simply work around them trying to make things appear either completely imperfect or completely perfect!
I am tired of the excuses that are used to validate why it's ok to be mean-spirited and downright unethical - because the situation demands it.
The situation never demands that the end justifies the means.
Whether you are a lawyer, magistrate, activist, social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist, nurse, doctor, police officer or a bystander, abusing a survivor, or for that matter, anyone, is just unacceptable. It serves no purpose other than you, lowering yourself, to the same level as the abuser that you are investigating/defending/trying to bring to justice.
How you rise matters as much as what you become.
How you behave is about you - not about winning some airy fairy, moral superiority competition.
It becomes hard to stay in that lane when you see the way it has become common to just go with the flow. To sit back and do nothing as people abuse the system, while your hands are tied staying true to yourself, and your principles.
It's sometimes hard to remember that accountability often takes time and the slow, moving parts of justice often leave survivors worse off in the short term, and without proper support, even in the long term, with no guarantee of whatever you may believe justice to be,
In abuse cases, everyone loses - until somebody heals.
Yes, it is worth it to live in a way that maintains your dignity and keeps you grounded. It is worth it to live in connection and healing. That doesn't mean it is easy.
At the end of the day how we rise matters, how we live matters, because everything we do creates the world of tomorrow - the world our children have to live in.