What is a trauma bond?
A trauma bond is something that evolves between an abusive person and the person they abuse. It generally happens when the abused starts to develop feelings like tenderness and an affinity towards the abuser.
Trauma bonds often linger, even after you have left your abuser. Feelings of “missing” them are common even though they have hurt you. Trauma bond victims often feel the need to reach out or even attempt to work out the relationship again.
Signs of a Trauma Bond
*Not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond.
Cyclical
Abusers rely on irregular reinforcement. For the abuser, maintaining affection and care for the abused is vital in their “brain make up”. This abuse is cyclical. In one instance, they will “love bomb” the abused and in the next moment they will physically, emotionally, sexually (etc.) abuse their victim.
Love bombing includes gift giving, taking you out on dates, calling you their “soulmate”, comforting you, making you feel safe and so forth.
As the cycle continues, the fear of ongoing abuse falls by the wayside and “love” begins to overshadow the abuse. Once the abused has retained trust within the relationship, overcoming repressed memories about the abuser slips away.
Power Imbalances
Trauma bonds follow a cycle that relies on the disproportion of power. This might look like controlling behaviour where the abused no longer knows how to withstand or withdraw from the abuser.
If you are considering leaving an abusive relationship, understand that you might feel defective or lost and might return to the abuser as they have been a “safe space” before. You aren’t sure how to live without the abuser because you do not know how to live without it.
Other Signs of a Trauma Bond
You protect your abuser by hiding the abuse.
You excuse and defend their actions when outside parties bring up concern for you.
You feel broken-hearted or unsatisfied with your partner however you do not feel like you can live without them.
You feel physically and emotionally anguished when you try to leave the abuser.
When you threaten to leave, they say they’ll “change” and “be better” however, they never do improve their behaviour.
You focus on the good times and seem to block out the abuse.
You continue to trust them; you continue to try to change them “for the better”.
Isolation from loved ones or your support structure.
Dependence, whether it be emotional, financial, or physical.
Criticism and weakening by the abuser.
Gaslighting.
Submission or tolerance.
Loss of self-value.
Agreeing with the abuser as to why the abuser is treating the abused poorly.
How does it happen?
When a person forms a deep and emotional bond with someone that hurts them, jumping between love bombing and abuse is confusing. It happens when the abuser “praises” the abused with positive reinforcement.
Why does it happen?
People do not choose to be abused. However, it is common for the abused to remain within the relationship because it is familiar, you think you can “change them” even though we internally know that is not the reality.
When the human body or mind experiences abuse, our brain attempts to rescue us from the deep hurt and sends us into dissociation or pushes our brain to send signals in order to protect us. This comes up as trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
Adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormones) is released within the body when it perceives that you are about to experience or are experiencing abuse. These hormones set in motion your survival instinct as well as triggering emotional and bodily strain.
It’s often seen that when the abused have extreme feelings of emotional or physical pain, you “forget” the negative parts of said relationship. Ignoring or excusing the abusive behaviour often leads to the abused remaining in the relationship.
Other factors:
Hormones
Hormones are often very positive reinforcers.
Gifts, physical affection or gifts serve as a dopamine rush.
Intimacy releases feel good hormones like oxytocin which almost always strengthens the attachment.
Attachment
Trauma bonds are the consequence of unhealthy attachment styles.
Attachments are a way to survive.
Dependence.
How to Overcome the Bond
Childhood abuse often translates into being drawn into these cycles as the brain already recognizes the ups and downs and is therefore familiar territory. A history of this trauma makes it even more difficult to break this cycle.
Acknowledging this bond is step one. This, however, is easier said than done. To recognize the cycle and signs of a trauma bond relationship, try the following:
Journal
Keep a journal of daily occurrences. This may help you recognize the patterns of behaviour.
Journaling can assist in recognizing problems that may not seem like abuse in the beginning.
Journaling can also assist in attaining a protective order in the future, if that is how you decide to deal with terminating the bond. A fully inclusive account may make it easier to report the abuse.
Perspective
Imagine you are reading a book about your situation. It’s more effortless to recognize the pattern if you perceive your experience as a third party.
Talk to your loved ones.
These perspectives might assist in identifying a trauma bond.
Attempt to challenge yourself in the validity of the observations you’ve made.
Stay away from self-blame.
You did not cause OR deserve the abuse. It can however affect your ability to exercise your soverance.
It is never your fault!
No matter what you’ve done.
How scared you are of being alone, lonely and living without them.
How many times you’ve returned to the relationship.
Banishing self-critique and blame with positive talk and or affirmations can help you break the cycle.
Cut off contact.
Once you have decided to leave this relationship, derange the cycle. ○ Stop all communication.
If you have children with your abuser, attempt to find a third party who can deal with the mitigation of visits, conversing, and control within this sphere.
Leave the situation. Create physical distance between you and your abuser. Stay somewhere you feel safe from your abuser, whether it be with family, friends or an organisation involved in domestic violence.
If you can, change your phone number, your email address etc. to avoid your abuser contacting you.
Seek professional help.
As an individual, start to take measures regarding dissolving the bond. These bonds are difficult to break however, it is possible!
With your mental health professional, explore elements that seem to stoke up the bond.
Set boundaries.
Develop a self-care plan.
Learn how to build healthy and conducive relationships.
Deal with yourself blame and fault-finding.
Address long term trauma.
Address your previous abuse.
The Truth
Abuse is never deserved and is NEVER your fault. It might take time to build yourself up again. Healing is not easy and never ends but the journey is beautiful and yes, it might be painful however, it is worth it.