By Marelize Krieg
Follow her on Instagram at @TheBloomingPractice
“I am overreacting… I am making a big deal out of nothing… Perhaps I am misunderstanding… It’s all my fault…”
By now, most people are familiar with the term “gaslighting”. It means a manipulation tactic whereby an individual purposely distorts the truth to make you question or doubt your perception of reality resulting in feelings of going crazy. Self-gaslighting involves doing it to yourself, instead of it being done to you by someone else. It consists of doubting your own judgment, decisions, and sense of reality. However, while gaslighting is motivated by malicious intentions, self-gaslighting is typically the result of self-doubt, anxiety, or your own critical internal voice.
Do you often find yourself minimising the toxic behaviour of certain individuals in your life? Do you try and justify their choices at the expense of your own well-being? Do you blame yourself for overreacting? Do you doubt your experience of something someone else did or said?
Self-gaslighting includes negative self-talk, devaluing your accomplishments, questioning your decision-making, and minimising achieving your goals. Instead, you will find yourself setting unattainable goals and persuading yourself that no matter what you do, you’ll never be good enough.
Gaslighting is usually perpetrated by someone we care about, respect, and even admire. However self-gaslighting is much worse because no one is more aware and better acquainted with your weaknesses, fears, and vulnerabilities than yourself. Because it’s internal, if you don’t share your negative thoughts with someone else, then there’s no one to help you recognise, process, and reframe them. Consequently, they continue to exist in your mind.
What Exactly Is Self-Gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting consists of denying your own version of events, truth, and perception of reality. Unlike gaslighting, it is self-inflicted. It is the result of your own internal critical voice. You may find yourself questioning or doubting your own abilities, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and decisions. You may also assume that other people feel negatively about you.
Additionally, you may psychologically punish yourself for how you deal with situations.
Self-doubt becomes so severe and internalised that individuals dismiss their own feelings while doubting their own reality. Even when presented with concrete, objective, factual evidence to the contrary, the internalised doubt persists.
Self-gaslighting typically occurs because of internalised self-doubt along with a pattern of self-criticism that contributes to distorting your own perception of reality. This forces you to minimise or dismiss your experiences, resulting in you ignoring or denying your emotions or beliefs if it happens consistently.
Why Does Self-Gaslighting Occur?
Various factors can contribute to self-gaslighting, such as extreme anxiety, fear of failure, lack of trust in yourself, self-blame, poor self-esteem, imposter syndrome, and low self-worth. Gaslighting is more likely to occur when someone has experienced bullying, been in an abusive or toxic relationship, and been the victim of gaslighting by someone else.
Individuals who self-gaslight may also be survivors of childhood trauma or dysfunction. What all these experiences have in common is the fear and reluctance to acknowledge the reality of the situation, because they are too uncomfortable and terrifying to let in. Another contributing factor of self-gaslighting is cognitive dissonance - the psychological discomfort and unease that arises from maintaining two conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or values.
Signs of Self-Gaslighting
In a nutshell, self-gaslighting involves the suppression of your emotions and thoughts. It is a mix of extreme self-blame, high self-doubt, and poor trust in yourself.
Self-gaslighting can manifest in various ways:
You may second-guess yourself and every decision you make.
You may dismiss your emotions for being too sensitive or overreacting to a situation.
You may feel ashamed and blame yourself for other people’s bad behaviour.
You may doubt yourself when other people criticise or question you.
You may overly criticise yourself.
You may believe that other people’s judgements are more accurate than your own.
You may minimise your situation, persuading yourself that your experience isn’t that bad compared to others.
You may obsess over negative feelings and thoughts about yourself.
You may justify or dismiss the toxic behaviour of other people.
You may doubt whether your memories are accurate.
You may stay in a toxic environment or relationship because you don’t feel you are worthy of anything better.
You may constantly tell yourself that you’re mistaken, crazy, unstable, and wrong.
You may dismiss your own interests because you doubt yourself.
You may suppress your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and emotions.
You may invalidate your own experience and pain.
You may believe that your talents are insignificant.
You may deny the truth of certain situations.
You may shift the blame for someone else’s toxic behaviour onto yourself.
The Impact of Self-Gaslighting
When you have difficulty trusting yourself and struggle with feeling like you are undeserving or unworthy, it can negatively affect your relationships and make it harder for you to identify dysfunctional or toxic relationships. Self-gaslighting also makes it challenging to decide without input from someone else or ruminating about past choices. Additionally, self-gaslighting may add to mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem and self-worth. In extreme cases, self-gaslighting can result in high-risk behaviours or substance abuse.
How to Stop Self-Gaslighting
Begin by investing in relationships with positive, trustworthy individuals and learning to practice positive self-talk. Determine where the negative thoughts and feelings originate from and if it’s a pattern. Don’t blame or shame yourself - rather, recognise your behaviour so that you can intentionally take actionable steps to alter it. Rebuild your trust in yourself by validating and believing in your experience, memory, feelings, and thoughts. When you notice self-doubt and negative self-talk, immediately interrupt that train of thought. Try to make decisions on your own. Affirm your experiences and emotions.
Gaslighting | Self-Gaslighting | Healthier Reasoning |
“You are too emotional, sensitive, crazy, dramatic…” | I am too emotional, sensitive, crazy, dramatic… | My feelings and emotions are valid. |
“If you loved me then you would/wouldn’t do ____.” | I love them so I should/shouldn’t do ____. Why did/didn’t I do that to them? | There is nothing wrong with me and how I show my love, but there is something unhealthy about the dynamic in this relationship. |
“You’re making it up. It’s all in your head.” | Maybe I am making it up?! Maybe it is all in my head?! | My perception of reality is accurate and my experiences are real, even when others are trying to distort them or manipulate me. |
“I didn’t mean it like that.” | They love me, so they didn’t mean to hurt me. | I understand the original tone and wording that they conveyed, and I know how it made me feel - which isn’t okay. |
“Don’t look at me - this is all your fault.” | I started it. I am the one at fault, not the other person. | I will accept responsibility if I have done something wrong, but that is not the case here. Blaming me for something doesn’t make it my fault. |
“You’re overreacting.” | I am overreacting, therefore I am the problem. | My reaction is justified given my experience of the situation. To minimise how I feel about the situation would be to dismiss my right to a reaction. |
When necessary, pause for a moment. Take a few deep breaths. Feel the earth beneath your feet. Say out loud with feeling to yourself, “I have the right to feel what I feel and to express those feelings.” There may be some resistance and discomfort to doing this at first, but stick with it. The process works over time.
The first step in healing from self-gaslighting is to recognise that it is a pattern for you because you cannot change that which you do not acknowledge. This requires self-awareness. Practice identifying reality in every area of your life. For example, just because you might be sensitive does not mean you are misremembering. If someone attacked you verbally, then they attacked you verbally - the truth is the truth. Owning it consistently helps to silence your self-gaslighting “voice”.
It may be helpful to jot down important details or journal so that you have something to refer back to when you question or doubt yourself. You can also just write down whatever is coming up for you in a moment of self-gaslighting - do this without judging yourself.
Consider asking yourself and journalling about the following:
How has self-gaslighting been helpful in the past?
How has self-gaslighting been harmful in the past?
How does self-gaslighting serve me in this moment?
What is one actionable step I can take right now to be gentle with myself?
What’s showing up in my head and heart as I explore this?
One of the most challenging things about gaslighting and self-gaslighting is its invisible nature. One can usually only identify gaslighting by the effect it has on the victim, rather than through the behaviour of the gaslighter themselves. It’s a lot easier to question psychological wounds than it is physical wounds. Therefore, focus on building self-confidence, which can help counter and balance out your critical inner voice.
Don’t judge your thoughts or emotions. Validate them. You are allowed to feel what you feel. Your experience is valid. It’s okay to feel a certain way. Feelings need to be felt - the only way out is through. Try the RAIN Technique:
R - Recognize what is going on.
A - Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.
I - Investigate with kindness
N - Natural awareness, which comes from not identifying with the experience.
Healing isn’t a linear process. It takes time and effort. It is filled with ups and downs. So, be gentle with yourself. When in doubt, ask yourself, “What would I say if I were talking to the person I love most in this world and they were in my shoes? How would I respond if the situation was reversed?”
Don’t be afraid to reach out to a mental health professional, especially when your self-gaslighting severely impairs your quality of life and everyday functioning. Working with a counsellor may support you in moving past personal insecurities, breaking free from bad habits, improving your confidence, and healing your self-esteem.
Give up the Self-Gaslighting
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
Gaslighting consists of very real, very effective emotional and psychological abuse that can so easily become entrenched into your being. While it may feel like the objective truth, it is not your truth. Knowing your truth and owning it takes practice and courage.
YOU ARE RESILIENT!!!
Retraining your brain is possible. You can do it. Even when it terrifies you. Believe in yourself.
Don’t be your own abuser.
Sources
Broadwater, A. (2021, December 27). Are you self-gaslighting? Here’s how to spot the destructive behavior. HuffPost. Retrieved March 17, 2024, from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/self-gaslighting-how-to-spot_l_61c341cbe4b061afe39a5663
Clayton, I. (2021, September 10). What is self-gaslighting? Psychology Today. Retrieved March 17, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202109/what-is-self-gaslighting
Gillis, K. (2023, March 6). How people can gaslight themselves. Psychology Today. Retrieved March 17, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/invisible-bruises/202205/do-you-engage-in-self-gaslighting-heres-how-to-help
Otis, R. (2019, October 15). What’s ‘self-gaslighting’ and how do I unlearn it? Healthline. Retrieved March 17, 2024, from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/unlearning-self-gaslighting
Sweeney, E. (2023, March 6). Are you gaslighting yourself? Here’s how to tell. Men’s Health. Retrieved March 17, 2024, from https://www.menshealth.com/health/a43189392/gaslighting-yourself/