By Marelize Krieg
Follow her on Instagram at @TheBloomingPractice
Once you start moving into the self-love, healing, and growth sphere, you quickly start hearing the word “gratitude” on repeat. While the conventionally accepted definition is noteworthy, it’s also about experiencing the present moment as opposed to getting bogged down in guilt for something external. For example, being a working parent can leave you wallowing in guilt when you work instead of spending time with your children, but conversely, you may also feel guilty for being with your children instead of working. It’s an endless cycle…
Guilt, however, isn’t restricted to present conflicts, but also to past situations or potential future outcomes that rob the peace out of your present being.
Have you ever felt guilty for succeeding? Have you ever felt guilty for being intelligent? Have you ever felt guilty for getting the job? Have you ever felt guilty for getting into the school of your dreams? Have you ever felt guilty for surviving when others didn’t? Have you ever felt guilty for being healthy or able-bodied? Have you ever felt guilty for being privileged? Have you ever felt guilty for being financially well off?
There is so much to be guilty of in this world… Having something that someone else needs or desires may result in a combination of confusing feelings: experiencing shame, but still being happy or excited. Sound familiar?
Guilt can be a powerful and constructive driving force. Ultimately, it aims to help us reconnect and repair what we feel we’ve damaged. But when it’s misplaced, guilt cheats you of the moment you are in and impedes growth and satisfaction in all areas of your life. Gratitude helps you recover it because it involves a grounding practice, whereby you use your senses to focus on the present moment.
Opposite emotions usually co-exist within every human being. However, being aware of these emotions and how we can process them is what determines the feeling we ultimately take away from the experience.
For example, you may be over the moon that you got into the university that was your first choice, but simultaneously you may feel sad because your best friend didn’t get accepted into any university.
So, how do we manage this internal conflict?
On the one hand, you don’t want your happiness and satisfaction to negatively impact your relationships and make you feel like you have to withdraw from your loved ones. But on the other hand, you don’t want to rob yourself of pleasure, joy, and excitement. However, we are also surrounded by cultural and societal messages, such as “Don’t get too big for your britches.”
Others may struggle with your good fortune, but that is unavoidable. Everyone struggles with and has the choice to accept or rage against the harsh truth that life isn’t fair: some people will always have more than you do and some people will always have less. Giving and receiving inevitably interchange. You cannot change this fact of life, but you can promote connection and make the most of your blessings. You can also choose to share your blessings with others.
When you feel guilty for what you are given (especially when you also feel you didn’t deserve it), you feel guilty utilising it. You end up not making the most of it in a way that enables you to give back so that someone else can receive it in turn. Instead, you play it small. You try not to show off or flaunt your good fortune, especially when you see someone else struggling to get what you were handed. But being grateful for your blessings is different from bragging.
However, because you feel guilty and resist receiving, you also resist giving. And by resisting giving, you cannot pass your blessings on to someone else. Consequently, someone else doesn’t receive that which is actually within your power to give. You can only take positive action for yourself and others once you’ve let the guilt go.
So, what is the solution? Cultivate genuine, heartfelt gratitude.
Go From Guilty to Grateful
What Are You Saying and How Are You Saying It?
Replace wallowing in guilt with basking in gratitude by intentionally changing the language you use and shifting the focus from what you don’t want or what makes you feel bad to what you do have or want.
For example, instead of thinking “I feel so guilty I got into that university instead of my friend.”, substitute it for “Even though I am sorry for my best friend, I am so grateful that I got accepted into the university of my dreams.”
Therefore, rather than trying to reconcile irreconcilable emotions, allow yourself to feel them at the same time. It is possible to feel joy and gratitude, while simultaneously experiencing sadness and concern for someone else’s loss.
Think of it this way: if it were your friend who got accepted into their first-choice university and you did not get accepted into any university that you applied for, it is possible for you to feel happy for your friend, but at the same time also be jealous of them.
Actively Change Your Thinking
Set reminders for yourself throughout the day to pause and become aware of your thoughts. What is driving them - guilt or gratitude? If necessary, swap out the lens of guilt for the lens of gratitude. Ask yourself, “What am I receiving that I feel guilty about?”
Shifting your thoughts from guilt to gratitude can look like this:
GUILT | GRATITUDE |
I can do better. I need to do better. | I am grateful that I am in the process of growth. I am grateful to be human and perfectly imperfect. |
I have so many unread messages. I hate leaving others feeling like they can’t depend on me. | I am grateful that I can acknowledge my limits. I am grateful that I can honour the boundaries I set to protect my health and happiness. |
I am hurting my children every time I choose work over them. I’m sacrificing their well-being to make deadlines. But I need to earn… What else can I do? | I am grateful that I have a job that provides a good life for my children. I am grateful that my children have a strong role model with good work ethic as a parent. I am grateful for the quality time that I get to spend with my children when I finish my workday. |
I feel like such a failure… I have no children, spouse, or house. | I am grateful that I can afford to rent a flat. I am grateful for a career that stimulates growth and gives me an income. I am grateful for the loved ones who I can share my life with. |
Act on Your Gratitude
Allow the warm, fuzzy feelings of gratitude to give rise to an impulse to perform a good deed that channels your gratitude towards someone else. For example, say thank you to a loved one for their love, write a thank you note to that neighbour who helped you break into your house when the door wouldn’t open, donate goods to the less fortunate, and volunteer your own particular skillset or simply your time and energy at a local charity. Sitting around consumed by guilt won’t help you or anyone else, but gratitude just may.
A Word of Caution
Every coin has two sides. In the case of gratitude, the other side of the coin is toxic gratitude. Toxic gratitude occurs when you embrace appreciation of someone or something to the point of ignoring and disregarding your true emotions. This happens especially when we try to be grateful in the pursuit of minimising negative feelings, such as fear, anger, sadness, and regret - or guilt and shame.
It’s great to practice an attitude of gratitude, to give thanks and honour what has been given to you, to receive it. But don’t let it become an excuse for connecting with your authentic emotions and real thoughts.
A distinction should also be drawn between obligation and gratitude. Feelings of “should” do not constitute real gratitude. No one can tell you what to be grateful for or what to feel. If they or for that matter you do, then you are experiencing guilt instead of gratitude.
Give up the Guilt for Gratitude
To retrain your brain requires hard, consistent work, but guilt is not more powerful than you. Control your guilt, rather than letting it control you.
Sources
Day, A. (2017, November 1). Guilt is not gratitude. Holstee. https://www.holstee.com/blogs/mindful-matter/guilt-is-not-gratitude
Godfred, M. (n.d.). How to choose gratitude over guilt. Fred and Far. https://fredandfar.com/blogs/ff-blog/how-to-choose-gratitude-over-guilt
Jacobs Hendel, H. (2022, November 10). From guilt to gratitude. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/emotion-information/202211/guilt-gratitude
Proctor, B. (2020, November 27). Shifting from guilt to gratitude and graciousness during trying times. Proctor Gallagher. https://www.proctorgallagherinstitute.com/46346/shifting-from-guilt-to-gratitude-and-graciousness-during-trying-times