By Marelize Krieg
Follow her on Instagram at @TheBloomingPractice
Gaslighting is a stealthy but effective form of manipulation that manifests in personal or professional relationships - with family and friends, romantic partners, in the workplace, and even in the doctor’s office. It can affect children, adolescents, and adults. Gaslighting is common in cases of domestic violence.
The term “gaslighting” originates with a play from 1938 called Gas Light and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations wherein an abusive husband brightens and dims gas-powered lights and then persuades his wife that she is having hallucinations - resulting in her mistrusting her own sanity. Gaslighting can be more dangerous than most people realise. It is a form of emotional, non-physical, psychological abuse that simultaneously tries to persuade someone of something false, while also implying that they are deluded, wrong, or crazy. These interactions leave the victim doubting their own senses, emotions, beliefs, and memories. Gaslighting is intentionally and recurrently misleading someone into doubting themselves to gain power and control over them.
Victims are purposely and systematically confused with misinformation that results in them questioning what they know to be true - about the world, others, and themselves. This may lead to them distrusting their own memory, sanity, and perception of reality. Over time, as the gaslighter’s psychological control increases in complexity and potency, it becomes increasingly difficult for the victim to discern the truth. The gaslighter attacks the very essence of the victim’s being: their self-worth and identity. This results in the victim doubting their own sanity, because they come to believe that their own memories are false and that their mind is playing tricks on them. Consequently, the victim becomes increasingly dependent on the gaslighter.
Gaslighters are typically manipulative individuals who employ these tactics to gain control over their victims. They engage in gaslighting because they derive pleasure from doing so or because they desire to exercise financial, emotional, or physical power over their victims. Most people are susceptible to gaslighting. Gaslighting tactics have often been utilised by narcissists, abusers, cult leaders, politicians, and dictators throughout history, continuing into the present day. Anyone can gaslight - even your doctor if they imply that their patient is exaggerating the severity of their symptoms.
The most successful gaslighters are usually the hardest to identify. Rather than recognising the gaslighter, it is usually easier to identify these individuals by their victims’ behaviour and mental state. Gaslighting is effective because the victims want to believe in and trust the gaslighter. The victim wants to win the gaslighter’s approval and have faith in them. Additionally, gaslighting usually isn’t extreme or evident - it always starts small. Frequently, it presents as wanting to protect someone. Gaslighters target their victims’ insecurities and prey on their fears.
The Relationship with the Gaslighter
Usually, a relationship with a perpetrator of gaslighting appears to be very promising in the beginning. The gaslighter adores the victim during the first date, showering them with affection, attention, and admiration. They also immediately disclose confidential information before any intimacy has been created. This has the result of quickly establishing trust, but also instilling a sense of obligation and dependency in the victim. This tactic is known as love bombing. However, the sooner the victim becomes infatuated, the sooner the manipulative distortion can start.
Gaslighters work hard to keep their victims hooked. When the victim doubts or disputes their gaslighter, the gaslighter may try to persuade the victim that they themselves are the victims. Alternatively, they use positive reinforcement to lure their victims back.
It is possible to escape a gaslighter’s influence - and many people do - but this leaves the gaslighter free to find a new victim (and typically they already have another target in mind).
Gaslighters may use “hoovering” when their victims try to leave them. This involves convincing the victim of how much love they have for them and showering the victim with praise. The gaslighter may also promise in detail how things are going to be different from now on, how they will be different. However, things never change and will likely return to their previous state.
The Gaslighter’s Tactics Initially, the gaslighter lies about small things, but soon the volume and intensity of the false information increases. When the victim inevitably questions the gaslighter’s word, they may redirect the challenge by accusing the victim of being dishonest. Gaslighters confuse the victim through the use of positive reinforcement. Simultaneously, however, the gaslighter will try to isolate the victim by turning their loved ones against them by accusing the victim of lying or being delusional, oftentimes in the presence of the victim.
Examples of gaslighting tactics include countering, withholding, discrediting, forgetting, trivialising, and diverting.
Countering occurs when the gaslighter attacks the victim’s memory of events, even when the memory is accurate. The gaslighter may deny the victim’s memory or create new details. They may also blame the victim for what happened.
Withholding takes place when the gaslighter pretends to misunderstand or will not listen to the victim, brushing off all efforts to have a conversation. Additionally, the gaslighter may also accuse the victim of attempting to confuse them.
Discrediting refers to the gaslighter persuading others that the victim is misremembering, confused, crazy, or lying. Discrediting in the office may threaten the victim’s career.
Forgetting happens when the gaslighter denies an event or pretends as though they have forgotten something happened. The gaslighter may reply that they cannot remember a specific event or try to convince the victim that it never took place.
Trivialising involves the gaslighter minimising the victim’s worries or feelings or making them unreasonable. The gaslighter may persuade the victim they are overreacting or that their feelings aren’t valid.
Diverting (also known as “blocking”) refers to when the gaslighter intentionally changes the topic of conversation or targets the victim’s credibility instead of the content of their argument. The gaslighter may redirect the discussion to suggest that the victim is making things up.
Examples of Gaslighting
“Your memory is mistaken.”
“You are imagining things.”
“Why are you overreacting?”
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“I just don’t understand what you are saying.”
“No way that happened!”
“You are crazy.”
“I wasn’t being serious.”
“I didn’t mean it.”
“You’re the only one who thinks that.”
Are You Being Gaslighted?
The gaslighter will insist that the victim’s thinking, feeling, and memory are erroneous, increasing their self-doubt. Small lies will expand to lies in more sensitive areas. This twists, disturbs, and erodes fundamental elements of the victim’s being. It confuses the victim. This is all to make the victim more dependent on the gaslighter’s version of reality. The gaslighter will make the victim doubt their own self-value.
Signs of gaslighting are:
Telling lies about what someone did or didn’t do.
Questioning someone’s memory and perception of reality.
Convincing someone that a problem is not a problem.
Refusing to listen or faking confusion to make someone doubt themselves.
Belittling or disregarding someone’s feelings.
Lying even when there is proof to the contrary.
Projecting their own behaviour onto someone.
Refusing to take responsibility for one’s actions
Shifting blame onto someone else.
Telling someone they’re imagining things.
Telling others that someone is making things up and planting doubt about that person’s sanity.
Changing the focus of discussions by questioning someone’s credibility.
Using negative stereotypes against someone. Signs of being gaslighted are:
A need to apologise for everything.
Feeling like one can’t do anything right.
Often feeling worried, anxious, or nervous.
Experiencing a lack of confidence.
Feeling concerned about being too sensitive.
Being disconnected from one’s sense of self.
Losing one’s identity.
Blaming oneself when things go wrong.
A gut feeling that something is off, even if one can’t say exactly what.
Constantly feeling hopeless, numb, or frustrated.
The Impact of Gaslighting on the Victim
Gaslighting is emotionally and psychologically catastrophic. It is so easy for the victim to drown themselves in blame for being too trusting, naive, open, or forgiving. Being gaslighted can make someone fear being in a relationship again. It can erase an individual’s trust in themselves. It can erode a victim’s self-esteem and self-worth. Ultimately, it breaks a person’s belief that people are inherently good. This makes the victim doubt and suspect everyone around them, destroying their trust. Furthermore, they may come to believe that they are struggling with a mental health disorder.
As the gaslighter purposely tries to drive a wedge between the victim and everyone else in their life, isolation is also a real consequence. This makes it even more challenging for the victim to break free from their relationship with the gaslighter. Additionally, emotional and psychological abuse frequently escalates to the point of physical or sexual abuse. Victims of gaslighting are also at risk of traumatisation, depression, and anxiety.
Is Gaslighting Always Intentional?
Someone can be manipulative without being aware thereof. However, even if the gaslighter cannot express or recognise the manipulation, they still derive enjoyment from wielding control over the victim’s thoughts and behaviour. Some individuals manipulate others because they often witnessed it as children, most frequently in their parents. Nonetheless, ignorance of an occurrence does not excuse it from happening. Whether the gaslighter is aware of their behaviour or not, it is never okay.
Who Becomes a Gaslighter?
Gaslighting is often employed by individuals who have a narcissistic personality disorder, personality disorder, or psychopathy. Gaslighters are highly skilled in appearing one way to their victims and another way to the rest of the world. Part of their manipulation is to leave victims terrified of asking for help or speaking out because they are afraid no one will accept their claims of emotional abuse or being manipulated. This is extremely unfortunate since gaslighters usually repeat this psychological control across many relationships.
Gaslighters gaslight because feeling right validates them. They need to reassert their dominance when they feel threatened as a way to stay in control and maintain power. This lets the gaslighter feel superior in the relationship. Manipulation Versus Gaslighting Manipulation is a common tactic that forms part of gaslighting. While almost anyone can manipulate, gaslighting is rarer. For example, marketers may try to manipulate consumers into purchasing a certain product or service and teenagers may try to manipulate their parents into buying them a car. Gaslighting, however, consists of a pattern of emotional and psychological abuse to control another person, rather than just influencing them.
Breaking Free From Gaslighting
Before the effects of gaslighting can be countered, they first need to be recognised. Finding proof of gaslighting taking place may help the victim recognise their emotions as being valid and their memories as being genuine. This then further strengthens indications of manipulation by the gaslighter.
Journalling, voice notes or recordings, photographs, emails, and talking to someone you trust can be powerful tools in breaking free from a gaslighter’s grip.
Record the date, time, and other relevant details of events in a securely stored journal.
Use your cellphone or another device to make recordings or create voice notes on WhatsApp to remember the significant details and provide proof of incidents. If necessary, buy an additional device to keep the recordings or voice notes safe on.
Capture visual proof of circumstances. If necessary, buy a separate disposable camera and conceal it from the gaslighter.
Write an email to yourself or a loved one with the details of events as they occur. Make sure to send the emails using a secure email account that the gaslighter does not have access to.
Confide in someone who can be trusted not to divulge the details of the conversation to the gaslighter. Get an outside opinion.
Heal From Gaslighting
Victims often fall prey to gaslighters for years or even decades before they become aware of the gaslighting. Consequently, it may take a long time and an integrated approach for victims to recover their sense of self and trust in themselves again.
However, victims always need to remember that they are not responsible for the gaslighter’s behaviour. And because of the inherent nature of gaslighters, it is never a good idea to argue with them about what is real and what is not.
Healing starts with the victim becoming aware of and practising listening to their instincts, emotions, and thoughts once more. This can be extremely difficult to do in the start, especially when the loudest voice in the victim’s head is the gaslighter’s. For this reason, counselling or therapy can benefit victims greatly as it helps them reclaim and hear their own inner voice again.
Reconnecting with loved ones is another important part of healing. However, this can be very difficult if the gaslighter lied about the victim to their friends and family to isolate and disgrace them. Nonetheless, having social support is vital for healing.
Finally, self-care is necessary for any journey of recovery. Take care of the basics regarding a healthy diet, moving and staying active, getting quality sleep, and practising mindfulness. Often small acts of self-care are the most difficult to achieve, but they can also be the most impactful. Celebrate every victory, for no matter how small, a victory is still a victory.
Get Away From Gaslighting
The emotionally abusive practice known as gaslighting whereby someone is conditioned to distrust themselves and their perceptions of reality is damaging to both that individual and their relationships with friends and family. It can happen subtly and be difficult to recognise. Gaslighting mutilates mental health and can take years to recover from. However, steps can be taken to counter a gaslighter’s actions and heal from the gaslighting relationship. The sooner this decision to break with the gaslighter and recover from the harm they did is made, the better - not just for the victim, but for everyone else in their life as well. It is only by learning about gaslighting and gaining the tools to counter it that victims will be empowered to break free.
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