I really only know how to be me. I don't know how to change the way I speak, think and feel to be like someone else anymore.
I think I used to be able to do that - mimic to fit in.
I watch, listen and read people having deep, esoterically, intellectual conversations that sound meaningful and arty but are full of oozy woozy pop psychology couched in particular elitist phrases like code words that leave me feeling empty and headachy and asking myself what the hell is wrong with me?
I just don't get it.
It doesn't seem deep and meaningful - it seems fake and emotionless. It's all tolerance and everything is ok because in the great scheme things it will balance out.
It is like there are no boundaries any more, there is an excuse for every misdemeanor and a reason for every inhumane act.
There are no consequences.
It's okay to be, want, chase after anything and it won't matter if you forget how to be human along the way.
The results excuse the methods.
It's tiring. It's soul destroying.
I choose to be me. I prefer grounded conversation and common sense intellectualtality. I like to speak the language of pain, love, joy, fear, hope, understanding, commitment, faith... simply. I don't want to hide behind flowery words or intellectualism.
I want to say that's despicable - not your pain stems from the slamming of a door symbolically represented by the fifth cycle of the fourth orbit of some strange planet that coincidently happened to be out of line.
I believe unconditional love is the BASIS for healing but there is a lot more to it than that.
There are belief systems and thought patterns and pain and evil and illness and horror. There is messiness and craziness, and yes, there is positivity and love, but how are you supposed to just live and heal off love in this cesspool of life?
You need more. Love is at the root of all the answers but sugar coating how damn evil the world is and how damn evil people can be; and how our own and others choices twist and break us is enabling, it is plastering paint on a cess pit.
We need to be REAL.
This morning I screamed and raged at the shear magnitude of the evil in the world.
Then I got up and started fighting it again.
I believe in unconditional love - real love that holds people accountable, that calls bullshit.
When you can say I am broken, full of faults and on a healing journey, I am multifaceted,
I am doing my best to learn what I need to, to be the best me I can be.